Conan the Barbarian

What are we to expect from a movie called Conan the Barbarian? As it turns out, we get exactly what you expect.

Horrible script, atrocious acting, excessive nudity and over-the-top bloodbath.

Seriously, no one thought this was going to be a huge blockbuster right? This is the origin story of a boy who witnesses his clan be decimated by another clan led by a man who wants to resurrect his sorceress wife. And when Ron Pearlman is your dad, you know you've reached that level of barbarianism. Conan learns, years later, that this man is still alive, and sets off on a revenge journey.

There is absolutely nothing of value to this movie. I suppose it attempts to stay close to the heart of the Conan books but the transition fell short.

I began laughing out loud at the number of blood bags busting open during the sword fights. (The sword taps a man's back and suddenly there's blood splashing everywhere) The dialog matches the dregs of an episode of Barney & Friends ("Barbarian, I don't like you anymore")

It felt like I was watching The Scorpion King meets Temple of Doom.

Leave this movie on the shelf.